.... and its ending on a down note for me. I should have never ever been curious. I just want to start out apologizing because this wont even be remotely happy.
I'm having a bad moment and i realize we all have them but im tired of it. Really I am. I think of everything ive ever been through in my entire life and i know that worse things could happen but you know how you just want something so bad and it feels like youll never get it, no matter how good you are, no matter how many people you help, if you go to church or not, if you take care of everything as you should, overall if your just a good person in general. Im doing most of these things and yet I cannot get to the point where im really happy.
I have a wonderful man in my life who i look up to everyday and appreciate with my whole life. Aside from my grandfather and stepdad, hes one of the greatest guys ive known. So what is it that is lacking in my life?? A baby. Its been 13 months, and im more than ready to have a child now. Were both ready. I dont understand why this is sooo hard. I was sitting here thinking about how we were talking about missing knotties/nesties. So what did i do cause im nuts, google and see whats up with them, well lets see the majority of them are pregnant. I should just know better then to even go down that road. Before anyone tells me different, i know i shouldnt have. I was just asking for this. I immediately felt upset, not the usual jealousy, just why not me? whats wrong with me? What do i need to do different?
One of my bffs (:) is pregnant and i honestly couldnt be happier for her, she deserves it more than anyone for trying so hard. As far as everyone else though i have mixed feelings because i want to be in that position too. I was talking to a friend the other day whose been trying for longer then we have. I just wanted to point something out again, i know i said this before but i cannot stress this enough.
Do not tell me or any other girls TTC the following things, whether you know us or not its insensitive.
"Just Relax!"== This is so rude i cannot even tell you, until youve been there dont tell me to relax.
"Your doing too much (charting, temping, etc)" Well my dr obviously doesnt think so since she told me to do this to begin with.
"God will give you a baby if your with the right person" I wont even go into how insulting this is on so many levels. You dont dictate who im with or get to speak about how we dont belong together.
"Youll get your baby when you deserve one" Okay and who are you to decide when that is? Also very upsetting.
"Stop focusing on it so much" This was said by a fellow nestie and i was beyond upset. Just because it isnt what your ready for doesnt mean that your my doctor and you dont know what its like to want something so bad.
Im sorry for all of this but i need it off my chest and i guess im just looking for some encouragement or hope or something.
Sometimes i get down and go does this mean we shouldnt have kids, we shouldnt even try, it is very very trying on my emotions and health.