Started out beautiful...

.... and its ending on a down note for me. I should have never ever been curious. I just want to start out apologizing because this wont even be remotely happy.

I'm having a bad moment and i realize we all have them but im tired of it. Really I am. I think of everything ive ever been through in my entire life and i know that worse things could happen but you know how you just want something so bad and it feels like youll never get it, no matter how good you are, no matter how many people you help, if you go to church or not, if you take care of everything as you should, overall if your just a good person in general. Im doing most of these things and yet I cannot get to the point where im really happy.

I have a wonderful man in my life who i look up to everyday and appreciate with my whole life. Aside from my grandfather and stepdad, hes one of the greatest guys ive known. So what is it that is lacking in my life?? A baby. Its been 13 months, and im more than ready to have a child now. Were both ready. I dont understand why this is sooo hard. I was sitting here thinking about how we were talking about missing knotties/nesties. So what did i do cause im nuts, google and see whats up with them, well lets see the majority of them are pregnant. I should just know better then to even go down that road. Before anyone tells me different, i know i shouldnt have. I was just asking for this. I immediately felt upset, not the usual jealousy, just why not me? whats wrong with me? What do i need to do different?

One of my bffs (:) is pregnant and i honestly couldnt be happier for her, she deserves it more than anyone for trying so hard. As far as everyone else though i have mixed feelings because i want to be in that position too. I was talking to a friend the other day whose been trying for longer then we have. I just wanted to point something out again, i know i said this before but i cannot stress this enough.

Do not tell me or any other girls TTC the following things, whether you know us or not its insensitive.

"Just Relax!"== This is so rude i cannot even tell you, until youve been there dont tell me to relax.

"Your doing too much (charting, temping, etc)" Well my dr obviously doesnt think so since she told me to do this to begin with.
"God will give you a baby if your with the right person" I wont even go into how insulting this is on so many levels. You dont dictate who im with or get to speak about how we dont belong together.
"Youll get your baby when you deserve one" Okay and who are you to decide when that is? Also very upsetting.
"Stop focusing on it so much" This was said by a fellow nestie and i was beyond upset. Just because it isnt what your ready for doesnt mean that your my doctor and you dont know what its like to want something so bad.

Im sorry for all of this but i need it off my chest and i guess im just looking for some encouragement or hope or something.
Sometimes i get down and go does this mean we shouldnt have kids, we shouldnt even try, it is very very trying on my emotions and health.

Terrified

I have a dr. appointment feb.27th and im terrified. Prior i had 3 exams that could not be finished because i was in so much pain. Now i know that this type of exam should be a bit uncomfortable but everyone keeps reassuring me that its nothing and should not hurt. I just cant get this out of my head. Previously i was at the hospital and was scared and upset, so im trying to train my mind that maybe it was worse because of what i was going through then. I already know i need to knock it off and stop thinking about it cause then i will be through the roof.

I know it needs to be done because i want some answers. I have this gut feeling that clomid is coming my way. Ive read about the bad side effects but what else can i do? So if anyone reads this please keep me in your prayers because im truly afraid.

On a side note, we did our taxes and we are getting a refund. YAY!! So i will finally be getting a kitchen table, hooray! We went looking today at like 3 stores and i couldnt even find one that i half liked let alone one that i had to have. Im hoping to find one before March, since my mother in law and sister in law are coming to visit, and the card table with the table cloth has got to go after a year!!

Thankful for

I am thankful for an amazing husband who supports me no matter what. Someone who may not appear sensitive to the outside, but is very sensitive. I swear he has the biggest heart of any man i have ever known. Were on to yet another month of trying and i cant help but dread it and feel a sense of gloom like why even keep trying when its not happening. Im dealing extremely well with it knowing how much worse I have been.

My husband doesnt cry at the drop of a dime or anything but i feel like the TTC is finally catching up with him. He rushed home and hugged me so tight and started to well up a bit and im like its okay, im okay. We just have to find out what the next step is. Well we know what it is its just a matter of getting an appointment. We may have to go to a meeting this wednesday and im really nervous if thats what she does want us to do. Its just an informational meeting with a bunch of other couples. I really really think very highly of those girls who go through IUI or IVF but i dread it. I will admit im the biggest baby ever and not to mention its really $$$$. Our next mission is a SA and then finding a new OB/Gyn. My PCP said they will probably want me to get on Clomid to track the ovulation since my cyles are very abnormal lately and then move ahead with that. They may also want to do another ultrasound to check the cyst that I have. Which is what I am most concerned with. Im really worried it is something more then the last doctor said. Ever since i found out i had it my cycles have been off the chart.

Im very thankful for my family as well. You never know what is going to happen so hug them tight and let them know how much you love them. Every breath you take can change in a matter of moments. Be mindful of those around you because you may not know it but your words can make or break someone.

Im thankful for my friends and most of all my nestie friends. I cant imagine going through any of this without their words of support and encouragement and yes even love. They have made a very large difference in my life so far from home.

TTC going on month 11

I cant believe that in March it will be a year. Its been a long hard ride. Some days are better then others recently. Im still holding on to that hope and its hard when everyone around you is getting pregnant except for you. Its so difficult to explain to anyone. I really did wish some family like my mom and my mother in law did know because i almost feel as though if i had their prayers then maybe for once we would be successful.

Sometimes those who are TTC can make up symptoms in their head and get really excited, that includes me sometimes. The problem with that is all your hopes and dreams get up so high and then come crashing down. Its so intense to go back and forth but we still hang in there. It is finally catching up to Nick and my heart goes out to him because hes behind as far as the emotions go. We really just want to have a baby and make the most of every day and no matter what we can do this and push through. I say this now but tomorrow i could feel the exact opposite thats just how this goes.

I think that some people don't realize how much their happiness can hurt others, which by no means makes it their fault. Things are difficult to hear or read but eventually you just move past it and get back to enjoying life. I guess vent over and lesson learned.

TTC

Its been 8 months and since i dont feel i have the right to complain sometimes, i must. I am so tired of hearing "just relax" or " it will happen when its time." Please remember these are not things to say to someone who is TTC. I should say at least for me i cannot stand hearing that.

On a positive note the doctor recommended a few tips for me. Preseed is one of them and the other is the CBEFM. I finally found one at walgreens yesterday and had to purchase so that i can start testing tomorrow. Otherwise you can find a ton of them much cheaper on ebay if you have time. Otherwise try calling Walgreens as I did. They were held behind the cosmetic counter because of the $$$. I keep hearing it will be well worth the price in the end. I will give a review later.