Started out beautiful...

.... and its ending on a down note for me. I should have never ever been curious. I just want to start out apologizing because this wont even be remotely happy.

I'm having a bad moment and i realize we all have them but im tired of it. Really I am. I think of everything ive ever been through in my entire life and i know that worse things could happen but you know how you just want something so bad and it feels like youll never get it, no matter how good you are, no matter how many people you help, if you go to church or not, if you take care of everything as you should, overall if your just a good person in general. Im doing most of these things and yet I cannot get to the point where im really happy.

I have a wonderful man in my life who i look up to everyday and appreciate with my whole life. Aside from my grandfather and stepdad, hes one of the greatest guys ive known. So what is it that is lacking in my life?? A baby. Its been 13 months, and im more than ready to have a child now. Were both ready. I dont understand why this is sooo hard. I was sitting here thinking about how we were talking about missing knotties/nesties. So what did i do cause im nuts, google and see whats up with them, well lets see the majority of them are pregnant. I should just know better then to even go down that road. Before anyone tells me different, i know i shouldnt have. I was just asking for this. I immediately felt upset, not the usual jealousy, just why not me? whats wrong with me? What do i need to do different?

One of my bffs (:) is pregnant and i honestly couldnt be happier for her, she deserves it more than anyone for trying so hard. As far as everyone else though i have mixed feelings because i want to be in that position too. I was talking to a friend the other day whose been trying for longer then we have. I just wanted to point something out again, i know i said this before but i cannot stress this enough.

Do not tell me or any other girls TTC the following things, whether you know us or not its insensitive.

"Just Relax!"== This is so rude i cannot even tell you, until youve been there dont tell me to relax.

"Your doing too much (charting, temping, etc)" Well my dr obviously doesnt think so since she told me to do this to begin with.
"God will give you a baby if your with the right person" I wont even go into how insulting this is on so many levels. You dont dictate who im with or get to speak about how we dont belong together.
"Youll get your baby when you deserve one" Okay and who are you to decide when that is? Also very upsetting.
"Stop focusing on it so much" This was said by a fellow nestie and i was beyond upset. Just because it isnt what your ready for doesnt mean that your my doctor and you dont know what its like to want something so bad.

Im sorry for all of this but i need it off my chest and i guess im just looking for some encouragement or hope or something.
Sometimes i get down and go does this mean we shouldnt have kids, we shouldnt even try, it is very very trying on my emotions and health.

Hard days

Ive been having a hard week. It started last week really. I just wanted to share something that ive been carrying with me a ton recently. One of my best friends, gave me this book when I was having a really bad time and its my most treasured gift. Here is one of my favorite quotes in the book. It doesnt say who wrote it but i always turn to this quote for everything.

The apple tree itself,
if it ever found a voice,
could tell us
some things about life;
Bow to storms-
They will pass.
You can bend in the wind
without breaking.
You dont know how strong
you are until
your strength is tested.

I have also turned to this one many times.

"Adversity rewrites the stories
of our lives, changes the cast
of characters, and alters
what we expected would happen.
Yet the stories go on and someday,
behind the scenes, we'll find
the true importance
of their twists and turns."

Sick :(

Once again im being a bad blogger. Im really really sick actually. I havent been this sick in a long long time. Since we are budgeting saving more money for a house because it may happen sooner then we thought, its giving me another itch to look at furniture and paint colors and etc. I know i am crazy. We still cant decide on a dining room table. I hope to post some new things ive had my eye on in the near future.

Visitors

I've been a bad blogger. My in laws were in town and therefore i just didnt have time to blog. So DH and I are back to our everyday routine. Being back to school is never fun. I really got use to not having to type papers or read and highlight. Now the trusty high lighter is back to work.

I just purchased my first flat iron ever so i will have a review on that to come. I purchased it at Sally Beauty and also bought the extended warranty. Getting into a new routine is very tricky. I now get up at the same time Dh does in order to do earlier testing as well as starting a new workout routine, slowly easing my way back in. Afterall i am in a wedding in june.

Hey Sailor

I love this name!!! Its a MAC lustreglass in hey sailor :) I love this one. Its so sparkly and pretty and such a good shade for me. I have very few mac products, as in i can count them on just two hands. Since im a bargain shopper of course I get my MAC from the local CCO. My closest store is almost 2 hours away and the CCO is only 30 mins away :) Definately a bonus for me. I know this is from their naughty nauticals line but i just adore it i wish i would have gotten more of it. Thats all for now since i havent been feeling well this past weekend or today.

Few other things from Target

Global Bazarr is your friend :) 75% off also. There was this huge wall hanging/mirror (2nd image) that i have been looking at since it ever went on the shelves. For a long time, Dh and I wanted some kind of burst hanging. Well this one is in the shape of a flower. I was shocked that Dh loved it just as much as i did, i mean what man loves a flower that will hang on the wall. Our bedroom is the only one that hasnt been totally redone. We want this to hang over our bed. Was $99 Now $24

The top mirror, i just could resist either and i have no idea where it will go. We will see what Dh says but i love the material the mirror is made out of. Was $80 Now $20. They also have it in round, now im wondering if i should have gotten round. Its not as yellowish as that picture makes it, its much more white in color.

I also bought a wall hanging that has a tree in it like a shadow box. I have this thing for trees i dont know what it is. Theres no image online for that but it was $8. Then i found a few knick knacks like decorative pieces and other things for my friends shower ;) Enjoy the clearance while its around!

What a steal !!!

Well a few things were a steal today at Target, my fav lol. First of all the lipgloss pictured above. It is scented and i had no idea until I put it on. It smells like peaches. I have been watching this lipgloss forever. It was in a star shaped case and took forever to get marked 75% off. Yes im cheap like that lol. I have tons of lipgloss and if its clearance than im all about adding more to my purse. This stuff is thick and when you first put it on it has a cooling feeling, not tingling at all. This one is super shimmery but then again it is called "sparkle". It is the Neutrogena MoistureShine Lip Soother Cooling Hydragel, wow thats a big breath lol. It has an spf of 20. regular price was around 7.50 and i bought it for $1.52. This is a must buy for sure!

Dining Rm. Table/Kitchen Tables

This one has a leaf.

This one does not have a leaf.

According to my husband, I will never find a table at this rate lol. We went to 4 stores on Saturday & Sunday. I have not found one that i even half like let alone one that i absolutely adore. We looked up one of our furniture stores online which we have not visited and I see one that i would probably "settle" for, but really should I? I know that it is just a table but I told Nick i really wanted to invest in one as opposed to buy a cheap one to replace in a year.

We were anticipating looking at houses this year, but in January decided that we would wait until next year. Since DH is uncomfortable with where the economy is, its the best choice for now and we do love where we live. The ammenities outrank everything else. So keeping that in mind, im trying to find a table with a leaf so it can be much larger in a house, but maybe im being unreasonable.

I really need some outside advice on this. My husband thinks just look for a table that can move into a kitchen. Our Dining Room, Kitchen, LR is all combined right now (apartment living at its best) so we cant have something too large. So my question is should I just give it up on the leaf thing and settle for a table that is just smaller (a 4 person table only) as opposed to looking at one that can expand to 6 people. I get what Nick is saying because if we were to get an official dining room table then what about the hutch and etc? Hes like you will want that stuff later on and it might not be available. I dont know im so confused. What i do know is that Ikea is not on the list for this table at all. I found 2 tables, one that has a leaf and one that doesnt. The one with the leaf im so iffy on and dont absolutely love it. The other one i have loved and continue to love but would have to risk ordering it online, site unseen. Top one has a leaf and is the "iffy" one, the bottom one has no leaf.

If you have any other ideas where i can look, im open to it. Our requirements were dark wood, square or rectangular and the option to have chairs without arms on it.

Terrified

I have a dr. appointment feb.27th and im terrified. Prior i had 3 exams that could not be finished because i was in so much pain. Now i know that this type of exam should be a bit uncomfortable but everyone keeps reassuring me that its nothing and should not hurt. I just cant get this out of my head. Previously i was at the hospital and was scared and upset, so im trying to train my mind that maybe it was worse because of what i was going through then. I already know i need to knock it off and stop thinking about it cause then i will be through the roof.

I know it needs to be done because i want some answers. I have this gut feeling that clomid is coming my way. Ive read about the bad side effects but what else can i do? So if anyone reads this please keep me in your prayers because im truly afraid.

On a side note, we did our taxes and we are getting a refund. YAY!! So i will finally be getting a kitchen table, hooray! We went looking today at like 3 stores and i couldnt even find one that i half liked let alone one that i had to have. Im hoping to find one before March, since my mother in law and sister in law are coming to visit, and the card table with the table cloth has got to go after a year!!

Thankful for

I am thankful for an amazing husband who supports me no matter what. Someone who may not appear sensitive to the outside, but is very sensitive. I swear he has the biggest heart of any man i have ever known. Were on to yet another month of trying and i cant help but dread it and feel a sense of gloom like why even keep trying when its not happening. Im dealing extremely well with it knowing how much worse I have been.

My husband doesnt cry at the drop of a dime or anything but i feel like the TTC is finally catching up with him. He rushed home and hugged me so tight and started to well up a bit and im like its okay, im okay. We just have to find out what the next step is. Well we know what it is its just a matter of getting an appointment. We may have to go to a meeting this wednesday and im really nervous if thats what she does want us to do. Its just an informational meeting with a bunch of other couples. I really really think very highly of those girls who go through IUI or IVF but i dread it. I will admit im the biggest baby ever and not to mention its really $$$$. Our next mission is a SA and then finding a new OB/Gyn. My PCP said they will probably want me to get on Clomid to track the ovulation since my cyles are very abnormal lately and then move ahead with that. They may also want to do another ultrasound to check the cyst that I have. Which is what I am most concerned with. Im really worried it is something more then the last doctor said. Ever since i found out i had it my cycles have been off the chart.

Im very thankful for my family as well. You never know what is going to happen so hug them tight and let them know how much you love them. Every breath you take can change in a matter of moments. Be mindful of those around you because you may not know it but your words can make or break someone.

Im thankful for my friends and most of all my nestie friends. I cant imagine going through any of this without their words of support and encouragement and yes even love. They have made a very large difference in my life so far from home.

TTC going on month 11

I cant believe that in March it will be a year. Its been a long hard ride. Some days are better then others recently. Im still holding on to that hope and its hard when everyone around you is getting pregnant except for you. Its so difficult to explain to anyone. I really did wish some family like my mom and my mother in law did know because i almost feel as though if i had their prayers then maybe for once we would be successful.

Sometimes those who are TTC can make up symptoms in their head and get really excited, that includes me sometimes. The problem with that is all your hopes and dreams get up so high and then come crashing down. Its so intense to go back and forth but we still hang in there. It is finally catching up to Nick and my heart goes out to him because hes behind as far as the emotions go. We really just want to have a baby and make the most of every day and no matter what we can do this and push through. I say this now but tomorrow i could feel the exact opposite thats just how this goes.

I think that some people don't realize how much their happiness can hurt others, which by no means makes it their fault. Things are difficult to hear or read but eventually you just move past it and get back to enjoying life. I guess vent over and lesson learned.

Cutest shoes!

I actually purchased these like a week but they are the cutest. They are Mossimo Vennie. This picture does them no justice. I purchased them in black. When you look at them straight on they look like the cutest heels but no heel. I like heels and flats so these are great! They were 75% off in store, i see online they are half off. I kept looking at them prior to purchasing then i had to go back and get them. I think paid $8 for them at the store. So cute. The fit seems fine i would even say they are a bit widetowards the top of my foot but thats good for me because i have wide feet :) I went with my normal size and was plenty fine. Ive been busy getting back to classes and etc and im expecting 2 boxes today in the mail so expect some reviews. Have a great Hump day!

E.L.F.

I just placed an order with elf yesterday morning, which if you dont know what that is its www.eyeslipsface.com Mostly everything is $1, they do have a studio and mineral line which is $3-5. When we were out this weekend hunting for E.L.F. sold at the stores and the only thing i could find was the compact and the drama eyeshadow kit.

All i can say is wow! I love the drama eyeshadow. I played with it today and it looks great! My husband was shocked because its the first time i did a real smokey eye and it looked great. Its well worth $1. It does have some fallout but that was an easy fix. I would definately purchase again. Ill review the other items as they arrive. I had done some research prior to my purchase so if you have any questions feel free to ask. Some of the items are great while others are not worth it at all. Have a great Monday!!

Tested some samples

Heres a few things i tested today, let me preface by saying that i received these back in december or even late november. It came in the traincase from sephora for free :) Gotta love freebies.

Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion- $16 @ Sephora for a full size. I have heard raves about this product and it does work pretty well. The shadow holds on well and everything. Since i have a bunch of BE products, i really want to try their eye primer and see how it compares. I would recommend this though!

Smashbox Photo Finish Light Primer--$36 @Sephora. I have tried the Prime Time Primer from Bare Escentuals and i prefer it over this one. This one is different from just the regular photo finish primer. This is geared toward people with oily skin and sensitive skin. While i do have sensitive skin, i have very very dry skin. This requires more then the BE Prime Time Primer. The BE primer says pea size and that is beyond accurate. You dont need hardly any at all. Both make your face very smooth but the texture after it is applied and your make up is on feels different to me. Im going to get the BE primer and that primer is only $21 compared to the smashbox.

Cosmedicine Primary Care SPF 20 Moisturizer- $48 @ Sephora. I really did not like this. It did not moisturize like it should for the price. Luckily mine was just a sample. Its thin and requires a lot and I still did not feel moisturized. I would not recommend this.

Anastasia brow powder duo: Came with two colors in ash blonde and brunette. I tried both colors of the ash blonde, the darker one was better but not exactly right for my brows. My brows are reddish blonde, which i see on the website they do offer a color duo for that. The duo is $22 @ Sephora. Im iffy on brow powder as it is because i have never really used any before and Im not sure id use it everyday or even enough to cover the cost of it. It wasnt bad though and went on well with a flat edged brush which i already own.


Thats what i tried today and the rest of the samples, either dont apply to me yet ( like wrinkles and eye lifts) and 3 of them were tinted foundations or moisturizers and were way too dark for me. Have a great day everyone!

**Id like to add really quickly, I made the recipe from yesterdays post and it was sooo yummy were having leftovers tonight.**

Whats for Dinner: Baked Mac N Cheddar

Rachael Ray has a new series on her recipes which includes this one. Its a good for you, new you section for healthier recipes. This is the one I will be making tonight!

This Serves 4

1 large bunch broccoli, cut into bite-size florets and stalks peeled and cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 pound whole wheat elbow pasta
2 1/2 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup finely chopped shallots (about 3)
3 tablespoons flour
3 1/2 cups low-fat milk
3 tablespoons cornstarch
12 ounces cheddar cheese, cut into small cubes
6 tablespoons grated parmesan cheese
Salt and pepper
1 clove garlic, smashed
3 tablespoons bread crumbs

Directions:

Fill a large pot with enough water to reach a depth of 2 inches and bring to a boil. Add the broccoli and cook for 1 minute; drain and rinse with cold water. Grease a 9-by-13-inch baking dish and add the broccoli in an even layer.

Fill the same pot with salted water and bring to a boil. Add the pasta and cook until al dente; drain.

Position a rack in the upper third of the oven and preheat to 400°. In the same pot, melt 2 tablespoons butter over medium heat. Add the shallots and cook, stirring, until softened, 3 to 4 minutes. Stir in the flour for 1 minute. Whisk in 1 cup milk until thickened, then whisk in 1 cup more. Whisk the cornstarch into the remaining 1 1/2 cups milk, then whisk the mixture into the pot. Simmer, whisking, until the sauce thickens, 2 to 3 minutes. Lower the heat and stir in the cheddar and 4 tablespoons parmesan. Season with salt and pepper, then stir in the pasta. Spoon the mixture over the broccoli.

In a small heatproof bowl, combine the garlic and remaining 1/2 tablespoon butter; microwave at high power until melted, about 20 seconds. Stir in the bread crumbs, the remaining 2 tablespoons parmesan and 1/4 teaspoon each salt and pepper. Discard the garlic, then sprinkle the bread crumb mixture on the pasta. Bake until golden, about 15 minutes. Let cool slightly before serving.

Ill let everyone know how it is tomorrow!

Walgreens mini haul

Now everyone knows I will always be a BE girl but i like to branch out on lipglosses and etc. Mascaras im always playing around with different kinds. This is a small haul only 4 items but a great price. I only paid .77 cents before tax for all of this.

Going Left to right: On the far left is Loreal Balance Quick Stick in Sand Beige #336. The regular price was $13.99 marked down to $3.59 and then i had a $3 coupon from the newspaper= .59 cents!! There were only two colors left and this was closer to what i needed but is not the right color for me. Im way too fair but it is blendable but too dark. I will use it for blending out under the eye before applying my normal foundation.

Next is the Covergirl Multiplying waterproof Mascara in Blackx2. It was marked down to $1.59, no coupons but what the heck not bad for mascara.

Then is the Revlon Creme de la Chrome in Spice it up #365 and then the bottom one is the same line in Berry Flashy #385. The regular price was like $9.59ish. They were on clearance for 2.59 and then i had 2 $2 coupons for revlon. Only .59 cents each. Now Revlon is B1G1F and i was almost positive that it would not work on the clearance but it did and she took my coupon on the free item too.

These liquid lipcolors are very pigmented. The spice is a gorgeous copper color and the Berry Flashy is a combination of dark pink and mauve, Berry is the perfect word for it. There is a smell im unsure of how to explain it, its not fruity but when it is blended in it goes away.

When i walked out i couldnt believe it. Saved $39 with them being on clearance and my coupons! That was a good lil haul.

Must Buys & My Must Haves

Heres just a few items i must get:

Mechanical eyelash curler from E.L.F- Only $1!!

Bare Escentuals Primer Kit: Face Primer & Eye Primer -$18
(I had a free sample of just the face primer and it was amazing! Its so smoothe and made such a difference in how the minerals went on and truly you do not need much at all)

Bare Escentuals Super Stars Kit- I think i can only find it on ebay now. It was a lmtd. edition set for sephora last spring.

Beauty Rush Body Swirl cream by Victorias Secret in Appletini or Slice of Heaven.

My favs so far this year :

Beauty Rush Snowplum lipgloss- just purchased it at the SemiAnnual Sale and it smells so good and its basically sheer with some sparkle in it. Smells incredible and it was only $1.75.

Philosophy Falling in Love 3-in 1 shower gel. (Loved it last year and love it still)

Very Sexy Nail Laquer in Pet. It is a beige tone that goes on really well just in one coat. No glitter in this one. Purchased at the Semi Annual and it was $2.25. Cocktail is a great color too like a coral color, great for summer. There is some gold glitter in it but i can barely see it on my nails, all i see is the color. Im actually really impressed with the colors that i bought. The shimmery clear ones that they had are just that clear with glitter, nothing really special.

Bath & Body Works Black Raspberry Vanilla Shimmer Mist. LOVE this smell and it was 75% off so it was around $3.00. They also had some great scentports on clearance which we had to get.

Finally, an old fav from last year, Bare Escentuals Buzz Latte lip balm. Smells like coffee and always keeps me awake. I dont drink coffee but i love that smell on my lips lol. A new favorite that i just bought was Loreal Colour Juice in the clear/white with sparkles. Its just a great clear gloss with some sparkle. It was on clearance for 2.19 and i had a $2 coupon, so only .19 cents!!

Topaz Kit by BE

I love love love this kit. Can i say love one more time ? LOL. Its a great brown/tan kit. It is $54. It was at ulta and qvc before and as i search i cannot find it at ulta anymore but it is on qvc.com. My mom actually bought it for me for Christmas and i adore it. The colors went on really well and i did not have any fallout problems. It really made my green eyes pop.

The lush topaz liner is green and it is amazing i absolutely loved it. The soft focus brush and the precision eyeliner brush are great. I just cant get enough of the soft focus brush for the blush. The blush wasnt too dark at all. Im very fair skinned, of course since i have red hair and green eyes :) The smokey topaz and luminous topaz were great. The smokey was a perfect color that was very pigmented of course adn the luminous added a great shimmer below the brow. The tempest is a bit darker then pictured but it all depends on how you layer it on too. It does have a brush tip and not a sponge tip but still wearable and great. I needed to branch out from my comfort zone and try a bit darker color and this was great. Its not deep red or anything. I would say its a cross between a dark mauve with some reddish orange in it.

I just have to add that im just now getting back into liners. This brush was my life saver! Everytime before now I just went without liner because everytime i would put it on my eyes would water and water and this time it did not happen. So if i can do it, i know others can. Oh and i love how the brushes have stones in the bottom of the handles.

Chocolate Decadence Review

I did try the set that very next day. However i only used 2 of the colors. I used the Dulce de leche and the tiramisu. The dulce de leche is great as a highlighter. Its very light and sparkly. The dulce de leche was just okay. I really had to go back in a few times to get some good color. The other two i have not tried yet. Its a cute little set that is $28 at sephora and qvc.com. My dh was so thoughtful and purchased it as a one time special so he bought it for $23 on qvc.

It is smaller in size, so it is not the normal eyeshadow size. They are .01 oz each and comes with a cute brush. I have to say that i do not care for the brush but some others may.

BE Makeup

Oh how i love thee :) My husband and mom did well for me. I received 4 new sets for christmas and i love them all. I just tried one of them today. It was the Ruby Collection. To preface this, i had ordered this collection for my mom back in september. As soon as it arrived at our house i fell in love with it. Granted i did not rip it open and start using it just looked at the pieces in it. I immediately put it on my husbands list. That was so easy considering he could look right at the box and know what it was.

I believe its only sold at sephora which is where i purchased my mom's from. It comes with the cutest red clutch ever. You can put make up in it but i just think its way too cute to use for that. Its a 9 piece collection which includes the clutch. Im very fair skinned and it looks great on me :) The colors are neutral in my opinion. The liner when wet was like a medium brown tone with a hint of red too it sort of like a clay color. The shadows were light in color and golden and brown tones. The ruby comes in for the cheek and gloss. The cheek isnt a dark red or anything by any means and same for the gloss. Remember its all about application :) If you want it darker apply more.

When i purchased it i believe it was on sale for around $49. I see its now $54 on sephora.com. You can probably find it on ebay or even check ulta and qvc. Im almost positive its not on qvc at all but it could be by now. I loved this set and the ruby mascara end is not overpowering at all it adds like little rubies on the ends of your lashes=great!!

Ill review the other kits as i try them. I will have one or two more to review tomorrow. Enjoy it BE girls :)