Started out beautiful...

.... and its ending on a down note for me. I should have never ever been curious. I just want to start out apologizing because this wont even be remotely happy.

I'm having a bad moment and i realize we all have them but im tired of it. Really I am. I think of everything ive ever been through in my entire life and i know that worse things could happen but you know how you just want something so bad and it feels like youll never get it, no matter how good you are, no matter how many people you help, if you go to church or not, if you take care of everything as you should, overall if your just a good person in general. Im doing most of these things and yet I cannot get to the point where im really happy.

I have a wonderful man in my life who i look up to everyday and appreciate with my whole life. Aside from my grandfather and stepdad, hes one of the greatest guys ive known. So what is it that is lacking in my life?? A baby. Its been 13 months, and im more than ready to have a child now. Were both ready. I dont understand why this is sooo hard. I was sitting here thinking about how we were talking about missing knotties/nesties. So what did i do cause im nuts, google and see whats up with them, well lets see the majority of them are pregnant. I should just know better then to even go down that road. Before anyone tells me different, i know i shouldnt have. I was just asking for this. I immediately felt upset, not the usual jealousy, just why not me? whats wrong with me? What do i need to do different?

One of my bffs (:) is pregnant and i honestly couldnt be happier for her, she deserves it more than anyone for trying so hard. As far as everyone else though i have mixed feelings because i want to be in that position too. I was talking to a friend the other day whose been trying for longer then we have. I just wanted to point something out again, i know i said this before but i cannot stress this enough.

Do not tell me or any other girls TTC the following things, whether you know us or not its insensitive.

"Just Relax!"== This is so rude i cannot even tell you, until youve been there dont tell me to relax.

"Your doing too much (charting, temping, etc)" Well my dr obviously doesnt think so since she told me to do this to begin with.
"God will give you a baby if your with the right person" I wont even go into how insulting this is on so many levels. You dont dictate who im with or get to speak about how we dont belong together.
"Youll get your baby when you deserve one" Okay and who are you to decide when that is? Also very upsetting.
"Stop focusing on it so much" This was said by a fellow nestie and i was beyond upset. Just because it isnt what your ready for doesnt mean that your my doctor and you dont know what its like to want something so bad.

Im sorry for all of this but i need it off my chest and i guess im just looking for some encouragement or hope or something.
Sometimes i get down and go does this mean we shouldnt have kids, we shouldnt even try, it is very very trying on my emotions and health.

Hard days

Ive been having a hard week. It started last week really. I just wanted to share something that ive been carrying with me a ton recently. One of my best friends, gave me this book when I was having a really bad time and its my most treasured gift. Here is one of my favorite quotes in the book. It doesnt say who wrote it but i always turn to this quote for everything.

The apple tree itself,
if it ever found a voice,
could tell us
some things about life;
Bow to storms-
They will pass.
You can bend in the wind
without breaking.
You dont know how strong
you are until
your strength is tested.

I have also turned to this one many times.

"Adversity rewrites the stories
of our lives, changes the cast
of characters, and alters
what we expected would happen.
Yet the stories go on and someday,
behind the scenes, we'll find
the true importance
of their twists and turns."

Sick :(

Once again im being a bad blogger. Im really really sick actually. I havent been this sick in a long long time. Since we are budgeting saving more money for a house because it may happen sooner then we thought, its giving me another itch to look at furniture and paint colors and etc. I know i am crazy. We still cant decide on a dining room table. I hope to post some new things ive had my eye on in the near future.

Visitors

I've been a bad blogger. My in laws were in town and therefore i just didnt have time to blog. So DH and I are back to our everyday routine. Being back to school is never fun. I really got use to not having to type papers or read and highlight. Now the trusty high lighter is back to work.

I just purchased my first flat iron ever so i will have a review on that to come. I purchased it at Sally Beauty and also bought the extended warranty. Getting into a new routine is very tricky. I now get up at the same time Dh does in order to do earlier testing as well as starting a new workout routine, slowly easing my way back in. Afterall i am in a wedding in june.

Hey Sailor

I love this name!!! Its a MAC lustreglass in hey sailor :) I love this one. Its so sparkly and pretty and such a good shade for me. I have very few mac products, as in i can count them on just two hands. Since im a bargain shopper of course I get my MAC from the local CCO. My closest store is almost 2 hours away and the CCO is only 30 mins away :) Definately a bonus for me. I know this is from their naughty nauticals line but i just adore it i wish i would have gotten more of it. Thats all for now since i havent been feeling well this past weekend or today.

Few other things from Target

Global Bazarr is your friend :) 75% off also. There was this huge wall hanging/mirror (2nd image) that i have been looking at since it ever went on the shelves. For a long time, Dh and I wanted some kind of burst hanging. Well this one is in the shape of a flower. I was shocked that Dh loved it just as much as i did, i mean what man loves a flower that will hang on the wall. Our bedroom is the only one that hasnt been totally redone. We want this to hang over our bed. Was $99 Now $24

The top mirror, i just could resist either and i have no idea where it will go. We will see what Dh says but i love the material the mirror is made out of. Was $80 Now $20. They also have it in round, now im wondering if i should have gotten round. Its not as yellowish as that picture makes it, its much more white in color.

I also bought a wall hanging that has a tree in it like a shadow box. I have this thing for trees i dont know what it is. Theres no image online for that but it was $8. Then i found a few knick knacks like decorative pieces and other things for my friends shower ;) Enjoy the clearance while its around!

What a steal !!!

Well a few things were a steal today at Target, my fav lol. First of all the lipgloss pictured above. It is scented and i had no idea until I put it on. It smells like peaches. I have been watching this lipgloss forever. It was in a star shaped case and took forever to get marked 75% off. Yes im cheap like that lol. I have tons of lipgloss and if its clearance than im all about adding more to my purse. This stuff is thick and when you first put it on it has a cooling feeling, not tingling at all. This one is super shimmery but then again it is called "sparkle". It is the Neutrogena MoistureShine Lip Soother Cooling Hydragel, wow thats a big breath lol. It has an spf of 20. regular price was around 7.50 and i bought it for $1.52. This is a must buy for sure!